Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
