also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
