His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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