so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
