Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
