I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
