your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I wish there were birth control emojis
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize
