I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We left an ass print on the piano.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
