girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
