Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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