Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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