oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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