Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
