I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
