Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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