Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
