He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
