Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
