we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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