You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Randomize
