I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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