If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
