Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
This toilet bowl is my home.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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