i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
