i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
