you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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