D3 body, D1 cock
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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