i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
