Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
