i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
