the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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