Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
