my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
