i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
