you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
