Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
