I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
