GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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