his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
