Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
