You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
