Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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