I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
