Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
