I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
