as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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