how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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