I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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