he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I came so hard my ears popped.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
