My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
sex in a hospital.. check
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
