But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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