everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
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