I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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