i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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